My Quotes


Does this shit even still work. Antiquated garbage…

Poop In Plane

Me: “Yeah just look at the weight and density of that burrito. Tomorrow you’ll be shitting all over the plane”

The Bang Years

Danny to my wife: “Mal, I’m ready for your bang years again”

(Referring to her getting bangs in her hair)


Me: “Danny, are you eating Velveeta?”
Danny: “Ye”
Me: “Are you eating Velveeta slices on their own?”
Danny: “Ye”
Me: “Jesus Christ”


This thing’s looser than a fuckin whale vagina

Jewelry Store

Me: “Ya gotta go to a place where a guy’s got a piece strapped to his ankle. That’s how you know it’s legit”

Blue Bonnet

This Blue Bonnet bitch is ratchet as fuck. Just look at her on that bottle…


I can taste my mouth smelling like shit

The Penis

“It’s probably not about the penis” -Joe

Family Feud

“Yo. They look like they’re related or some shit… Oh wait, we’re watchinh Family Feud”

How Much?

Danny: “How much would you need to be paid to fuck Michelle Obama”

John: “Well that goes back to the original question of how much would you need to be paid to suck a man’s dick”

Jarred Talking About His Hot Boss

Me: “There’s no way she doesn’t wanna get banged on her desk”

*Jarred is a pseudonym so that motherfucker doesn’t get fired


Yo Danny, you take the blonde one. I’ll take stripes. But I have to check stripes’ ID first.

iPod Trouble

Danny: “yo. You get that on eBay?”
Joe: “nah. I got it off Amazon used to replace my old one I threw down the street when I couldn’t hang out with you guys.”

Eye Patch

I’m gonna go wear this eye patch to the beach. Maybe the biddies’ll have some sympathy on me. I’ll be like hey sweetie, my eye is all messed up. Maybe she’ll have to hold my…

Technical Assistance

She was so pissed. Shes was all like… “I needed you there for tech assistance…”
And I was like… “You needed me there for drunken dick assistance…”


I’m drinking an unfiltered sake and it looks like the bartender shot a load in the glass…

ripping ass

In gonna go over there and rip my ass so hard right now

joes job

First you give me a raise, then you blow me, then I fuck your wife


I’m going under the sheets so hard tonight!!

The Air Out Here

I thought you were someone else. It’s the air out here. Dude. I’m trippin balls

Hot Tub

John: “When I get to Dan’s, I’m drowning myself in his hot tub”
Joe: “Yeah, that’ll loosen ya right up”

Chivalrous Man

John: “he’s a chivalrous man”
Joe: “what an asshole motherfucker”

Internet History

I’m not interested in the internet histiry of an 11 year old slut.

Twist Off

Danny: “How can you tell if a beer is a twist off or not.”

Joe: “When you drink as much as me, you just do”

Weather Girl

Can we get a weather girl that’s not a house?


John: “What are you doing this weekend?”
Joe: “Beer”


John (looking for a file that wasn’t there): “Mother fuck”
Joe: “Ballsack bitch”

My Hat

Rio: Nice Hat…
Joe: You’re welcome.

Footnotes are Awesome

Portfolioso: like how funny would a book be
Portfolioso: if [you’re reading a book and] see a 3 superscript [next to a sentence]
Portfolioso: go down
Portfolioso: and it’s just like
Portfolioso: “suck it”


“Splash your ass.” – Referencing a Killing Floor map with the context-name “-V8splash”


“My pants fall a lot”

KF-420 Ganja Farm

“Rio, get your black ass back in this weed pit” -Screamed over Ventrilo

Look at this Squirrel

“Holy shit! Look at this mother fuckin’ squirrel! Jawsus, that is one bad ass fuzzy motha fucker. That player got so much ass it completely dropped dead. Fuck! You ain’t never seen so many hos choking that jock ass throughout his pimp life. He’s all like stiff and shit like his pimp-assed dick. Sweet fuckballs, lightning came down and struck that foo dead. But fuck, look at that position this dude died in. He was like “look at these fuckin balls, son.” All those wimminz squiggz were munchin’ all over those big ballbags. This fucking squirrel is legend and you shits better pay respect”

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