My Quotes

Whale

This thing’s looser than a fuckin whale vagina

Jewelry Store

Me: “Ya gotta go to a place where a guy’s got a piece strapped to his ankle. That’s how you know it’s legit”

Blue Bonnet

This Blue Bonnet bitch is ratchet as fuck. Just look at her on that bottle…

Breath

I can taste my mouth smelling like shit

The Penis

“It’s probably not about the penis” -Joe

Family Feud

“Yo. They look like they’re related or some shit… Oh wait, we’re watchinh Family Feud”

How Much?

Danny: “How much would you need to be paid to fuck Michelle Obama”

John: “Well that goes back to the original question of how much would you need to be paid to suck a man’s dick”

Jarred Talking About His Hot Boss

Me: “There’s no way she doesn’t wanna get banged on her desk”

*Jarred is a pseudonym so that motherfucker doesn’t get fired

Stripes

Yo Danny, you take the blonde one. I’ll take stripes. But I have to check stripes’ ID first.

iPod Trouble

Danny: “yo. You get that on eBay?”
Joe: “nah. I got it off Amazon used to replace my old one I threw down the street when I couldn’t hang out with you guys.”

Eye Patch

I’m gonna go wear this eye patch to the beach. Maybe the biddies’ll have some sympathy on me. I’ll be like hey sweetie, my eye is all messed up. Maybe she’ll have to hold my…

Technical Assistance

She was so pissed. Shes was all like… “I needed you there for tech assistance…”
And I was like… “You needed me there for drunken dick assistance…”

drinking

I’m drinking an unfiltered sake and it looks like the bartender shot a load in the glass…

ripping ass

In gonna go over there and rip my ass so hard right now

joes job

First you give me a raise, then you blow me, then I fuck your wife

Bed

I’m going under the sheets so hard tonight!!

The Air Out Here

I thought you were someone else. It’s the air out here. Dude. I’m trippin balls

Hot Tub

John: “When I get to Dan’s, I’m drowning myself in his hot tub”
Joe: “Yeah, that’ll loosen ya right up”

Chivalrous Man

John: “he’s a chivalrous man”
Joe: “what an asshole motherfucker”

Internet History

I’m not interested in the internet histiry of an 11 year old slut.

Twist Off

Danny: “How can you tell if a beer is a twist off or not.”

Joe: “When you drink as much as me, you just do”

Weather Girl

Can we get a weather girl that’s not a house?

Beer

John: “What are you doing this weekend?”
Joe: “Beer”

Magazine

John (looking for a file that wasn’t there): “Mother fuck”
Joe: “Ballsack bitch”

My Hat

Rio: Nice Hat…
Joe: You’re welcome.

Footnotes are Awesome

Portfolioso: like how funny would a book be
Portfolioso: if [you’re reading a book and] see a 3 superscript [next to a sentence]
Portfolioso: go down
Portfolioso: and it’s just like
Portfolioso: “suck it”

Splash

“Splash your ass.” – Referencing a Killing Floor map with the context-name “-V8splash”

Jeans

“My pants fall a lot”

KF-420 Ganja Farm

“Rio, get your black ass back in this weed pit” -Screamed over Ventrilo

Look at this Squirrel

Image Courtesy of Colithika

“Holy shit! Look at this mother fuckin’ squirrel! Jawsus, that is one bad ass fuzzy motha fucker. That player got so much ass it completely dropped dead. Fuck! You ain’t never seen so many hos choking that jock ass throughout his pimp life. He’s all like stiff and shit like his pimp-assed dick. Sweet fuckballs, lightning came down and struck that foo dead. But fuck, look at that position this dude died in. He was like “look at these fuckin balls, son.” All those wimminz squiggz were munchin’ all over those big ballbags. This fucking squirrel is legend and you shits better pay respect”

Typing Test

On a school computer, there was a words per minute widget, so Joe typed:

“Once upon a time, there was a man who liked to suck dick. And then he said wnjoy”

(yes, I do realize I spelled enjoy wrong. It’s part of the quote. Stop asking)

Lesbians

“There’s no such thing as lesbians. That’s just hot.”

Loud AC

John says something from across the room as I’m sitting next to a loud AC.

Me: “Sorry, I’ll be able to hear you better when this giant bitch gets out of my ear”

Wince

John: “Remember AOL 1.0 where it only authenticated the first 5 digits of a password and nothing else?”

Joe: “No, but you mean, if my password was wincest, I could log in with wince?”

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