My Quotes

Typing Test

On a school computer, there was a words per minute widget, so Joe typed:

“Once upon a time, there was a man who liked to suck dick. And then he said wnjoy”

(yes, I do realize I spelled enjoy wrong. It’s part of the quote. Stop asking)


“There’s no such thing as lesbians. That’s just hot.”

Loud AC

John says something from across the room as I’m sitting next to a loud AC.

Me: “Sorry, I’ll be able to hear you better when this giant bitch gets out of my ear”


John: “Remember AOL 1.0 where it only authenticated the first 5 digits of a password and nothing else?”

Joe: “No, but you mean, if my password was wincest, I could log in with wince?”

White Castle

“That White Castle is goin’ through me. I can’t wait to drop some toilets”


Danny: “Wanna chug?”
Joe: “What are you nuts?”
*Danny does Danny face*
Joe: “Absolutely”


“This guys gotta move his chair, hes blocking my titties”

Sausage Fest

“It’s a sausage fiesta feast in here. It’s like Germany here”

Spongy Bone

This Coffee Coolata looks like spongy bone. Do you know what spongy bone is? Do you know what it is? You guys are dumb” -Joe going on and on about spongy bone for like 10 minutes

All Joe Needs

“Ass, titties, burpin’ and beer. What more could you want?”

Coffee Vs. Fruit Drinks

Dan: “Is that [Coffee Coolata] good?”
Joe: “Yeah”
Dan: “But does it have coffee in it?”
Joe: “Yeah”
Dan: “Oh, I don’t like coffee drinks”
Joe: “You can get a fruit one for your homo tree”


Joe on spending money:
“Normally I’m Jewish but I don’t give a shit. Fuck it, you only live once”


Looking at the Alphabet chart of the letter letter K and picture of a camera in a Kindergarten classroom:

“Why is Kodak listed for K, it’s a brand name. Is that what they’re teaching kids? It should have a kangaroo or a Kangaskhan. Kids these days should know what a Kangaskhan is, right? Actually, maybe not since there are now 450 Pokemon”

Ball Searching

(while on the phone with joe) “im in my basement searching for balls’

Taste of Beer

(while talking to joe on the phone) ‘Is it bad that I just got a great taste of beer in my mouth and i wanna pound some beers??’

Ass Man

“I slap everyone’s asses”


In reference to the red colored dropping beans in Dr. Robotnick’s Mean Bean Machine: “I want to see some red pussy”

Pork Roll

portfolios0: u ever have a pork roll?
portfolios0: i never heard of the shit
portfolios0: its like liverwurst, but its like seasoned differently and its like a lump of processed pork, fat and yum
portfolios0: i just ate a slice of that, a bread, and a piece of lasagna
portfolios0: o did i tell u the story about a whore and her carpool DWI guy?
portfolios0: i get reall winners daniel
portfolios0: gross now my fingers smell like porkroll
DementedSoulx270: dude ur killing me here xDDDD
portfolios0: i cant help it
portfolios0: i have OCD ADD and porkrolly fingers
portfolios0: that sounds nasty
portfolios0: not like that u sick-o
DementedSoulx270: hey buddy u said it

Show Me

“I’ll show you yours if you show me mine”


“Dude I like whack it to Gmail!”

Gotta Piss

Rio-”I have to piss”
Joe-”Alright so go take a fucking piss! What the fuck do you want from my life?!?”


*someone says something about Vegas*
Joe-”‘Vegas? more like Faygas…wait we should invent a Faygus”
Joe-”for faygs!”

Happy Penor

Rio-”Joe, you make my penor happy.”
Joe-’What I say should not be making your penor happy, thank you.’
*everyone laughs*
Joe-’Wait I wasn’t kidding… It really shouldn’t

Yankees Lost

Sabathia was 6-1 with a 2.82 ERA in his previous 10 starts. Then we go [to the game] and he chomps on cock

Example Tweets

portfolioso (4:14:45 AM): if I tweeted “penis” he’d [reply with a useless tweet like] “@portfolioso ya. i has one” and no one else cares

portfolioso (4:15:27 AM): its not a real tweet. “i’m annoyed at my fucking computer right now” or “i want to tittyfuck this ho in the car next to me at this traffic light” those are real tweets

Johnny Rockets

Regarding waitress: “That chick likes to get tied down! I can tell just by looking at her.”


“holy shit i just shat a tootsie-o wait what?!?! also, twats”

Greatest Game

“Greatest game in the history of shit” – Joe talking about apples to apples or beer pong (i forgot which)

Fire Hydrant

“I think I’m gonna take a piss on that fire hydrant at the end of the year”

Liquid Penis

“Wouldn’t it be great to make a product called liquid penis. You pour it on someone’s chest and a penis pops out.” ~silence~ “Liquid penis, I could market that”

Metallica Ticket

“I want my ticket in my hand like a nice juicy ass” – on our way to Metallica concert


“No! you reach around and touch me!”

Why I Flinch a Lot

“Sorry, I have scary reactions because I got my ass beaten up by a ho, but that’s not the point.”

Balls in Face

“Balls. In your face. Sloppily… I don’t know”

I Break Internet

Portfolioso: ya
Portfolioso: fukkerz
Portfolioso: its down down down
Portfolioso: i am convinced i break the internet
Portfolioso: whenever im using shit
Portfolioso: it goes down on me
Portfolioso: in the middle of everything
Metalmaniac714: well i can see pics ;)
Portfolioso: and no, thats not what she said

Beach Ball

Joe (talking about a beach ball) “Usually it deflates when you play with it.”
Marc (blowing the beach ball back up) “Is that better?”
Joe “Yes, it’s nice and tight.”

License Plate

“What does T&LC stand for? Tits and loving care?”

Gas Station

“You only spent $40 for 10 gallons of gas. Guy, you have a small tank.”

Penis Paper

“Don’t write penis in my paper… That would be a dick move”

Phone Call

“I have to… Fuck, my house is calling”

Hand Fun

“Having fun with your hand over there??” (Joe said this to Dan Potpourrrrrriiii)

Guitar Hero

“We need to play on expert for epic fingering”

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